Bizarre Beauty Treats

by Garreth Myers

Would you be willing to scrub your face with pig meat and cover it in bird poop to look beautiful?? If there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to appease your vanity then you’d certainly love these outlandish beauty treatments. From greasing your hair with bull semen to lathering your face with bird droppings, there’s a lot you can do to get that starry glow!

Bird Poo (Nightingale Facial) – The porcelain skin geishas would willingly tell you their beauty secret if you were willing to believe them. Few people would be willing to slather on oscine feces, but if they did they would rediscover an ancient secret – bird poop had an enzyme, called guanine that smoothes skin and makes it radiant. Leave the tomatoes, papayas and lemons to stew in the cooking pot we have found a “superior” alternative! For aesthetic purposes, the poop of the common bird falls short but the regal nightingale wins special favor. Carefully sanitized with UV light and then crushed into a fine white powder, bird poop is deftly transformed into a creamy beauty treat. If you believe that bird poo is for the birds, you can just crush some fresh strawberries and yogurt and paint yourself beautiful at home!

Facekini Craze – Hot shorts and halter tops expose your skin to the brutish sun, and while some amount of exposure to sunlight is necessary, the line between enough and too much sunlight is quite fine. After all, you don’t want to look as tanned as a thanksgiving turkey! For the Chinese, pale skin is a sultry turn-on and by no means must it be lost to the brazen sun. In the town of Qingdao, China, women greet the beach sun with face masks and full length body suits. Cut open only at the eyes, nose and mouth, this facekini scrupulously covers the head, ears, and neck, so that nothing’s exposed to the ravenous sun. With a facekini you can bathe in the pool for as long as you want and go for sports matches without sun block. The guys will get used to it in time; after all, it’s not as if Mr. Right will bump into you at the beach! Even if he does show up, he’ll like you for your intellectual chatter and not just your flawless skin.

Spermine Facials – You are not being hailed into some shady massage parlor when you read the caption ‘Spermine Facial’ outside the salon! If, besides procreation, male semen could offer women something special, it would be the ability to make them look beautiful. It’s true! Semen has a component called ‘spermine’ which is known to have antioxidant properties. It protects skin collagen and muscle fiber, slowing down wrinkles. Spermine used for the relaxing facial is not exactly the swimming egg-heads you imagine… it is first synthesized in a laboratory. Some salons use infrared along with the spermine, so that it penetrates your skin pores and promotes skin vitality.

Bull Semen – Your hair’s full of protein and so is bull semen! It took Britain’s top salon, Hari’s, just a little ingenious thinking to put the two together for an exciting hair treatment. To enliven your dry locks and add volume to your skimpy hair, bull semen works just fine! This ‘Viagra for Hair’ is a 45-minute treatment in which a paste of bull sperm and protein-rich Katera plant is applied to dry hair. Unlike most products that require shampooing after application, this hair mix is left to stay in your hair, so that it moisturizes it soft. It’s extremely light on the hair, so you don’t feel any kind of heaviness on account of the product. If bull semen for hair is a little too outlandish for you, then try conditioning your tresses with some frothy beer or yogurt.

Warning: The reader of this article should exercise all precautionary measures while following instructions on the home remedies from this article. Avoid using any of these products if you are allergic to it. The responsibility lies with the reader and not with the site or the writer.
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